Tip #4

Rela

Published: Aug 18, 2021

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The thing is, when you begin to alter your mindset in one area of your life, you begin to think that way in other areas. If you have already made the jump, then you may have already started to figure this out. So, you’ve started to change your mindset towards work? Well, you’re probably close to mastering the relationships side to mindset too. If you don’t know where to start, then that’s what I’m here for!

So, as we begin this journey towards self awakening, we need to find a place to start. Firstly, one must find the will and the desire to change. If you truly want to help any relationship you have, you will want to start by taking a moment to step back and really analyse yourself. Stop making excuses for yourself this time, and allow yourself to change for the good of your relationships.

Take responsibility. Don’t be afraid. This is a very difficult skill to master, however once you nail this, you will be amazed at the impact it has on your life. Not only will relationships change, but you will start feeling much more positive in general, as after all, you’d probably expect a better quality of life if arguments are being kept to a minimum!

The easiest way to get used to this adjustment is by consistently reminding yourself in the moment to calm yourself, take a deep breath and, if appropriate, take responsibility for the situation. If you’re in the wrong, take a step back and realise that you’re wrong and fix it, a simple apology, a quick ‘you’re right’ moment. It’s as easy as that, problem solved, not more fighting. Then figure out the next steps so it doesn’t happen again.

Now sometimes, the relationship you may be trying to heal is in the corporate world, however all the topics covered in this article are still just as applicable to your professional life, you just may not care as profoundly about your relationships with colleagues as you would a partner to do anything to change them!

Now, it all starts with you. There is always something YOU can do in every situation. You may be thinking of personal circumstances where you think the other person is completely in the wrong and to blame. So firstly, breathe, take a step back and stop with the blame mindset, and pick up your growth mindset hat instead. Think: what am I really upset with here, what is the root of the issue? Once you’ve figured that out, you can begin to ask yourself: what can I do to avoid this situation next time? And continue taking a step back, back again, further until you reach the end goal: avoiding the situation all together.

The reality is, if you want a happy, healthy relationship with anyone, you must stop placing expectations above everyone’s heads. After all, nobody is alike. Nobody will think exactly like you, or align with your exact values and beliefs; they just won’t. Therefore we must all realise that it is unrealistic to expect anything at all from others, and we can’t get mad if somebody does something differently to how you would, because it’s totally normal for this to be the case!

Reminder: you must always ask yourself what you can do to change the outcome of every situation. Not anyone else. You.

In reality, life isn’t always going to be easy going for you, you’re going to have to make a conscious effort to remove the hurtful outcomes in situations or adjust your reaction to the outcome. You’re going to want to change your frame of mind.

Sometimes, you’re going to be left wondering why somebody can’t perform a simple task you’ve asked of them, why they can’t do what you would do in a particular situation, and to answer that: no one will. You aren’t the same as anyone. You don't think like them, you don’t act like them, and you certainly won’t react like them.

Everyone has different interpretations, traumas which lead to behavioural patterns, and different outlooks on situations - and sometimes, just a tough day and a short temper! The simple answer is that you just have to learn to adapt, accept, and embrace.

If you’re like me, you’ll have a constant misbelief that it is simply ‘unfair’ that others don’t have to change, but you do. Why should you be the one to change, even if you’re the good guy? Well, it’s because you’re the good guy. Although it takes a whole lot of getting used to, when you manage to wrap your head around it, it will be a game changer for the way you approach any situation.

Picture the outcome you want, and figure out the steps in order to achieve that.

Once again, change the input, change the outcome.

It sounds like borderline manipulation, which it is. However that word usually indicates negative intention, so we have to learn to redirect the meaning in this particular case.

It is manipulation of your thoughts and energy towards a situation, to improve the outcome of the situation.

So, where can you begin to implement this in your personal or professional life? Easy. Wherever there are people involved.

It’s hard to react to a situation with clarity, we tend to react with emotion, rather than intelligence and control.

You may be familiar with somebody who appears cool, calm and collected on the exterior, but the reality is that they have learnt to redirect their thoughts, and truly ask themselves in the moment ‘what is the best possible outcome of this situation?’. By doing so, they have diffused the situation with the simple question, and then manipulated the outcome to their best interest.  

This is especially useful in business, too. Many times have I taken things personally or to heart when it comes to business. I remind myself with the words: it’s not personal, it's just business.

When it comes to colleagues, to even the simplest of exchanges via email etc. If somebody seems a little unnecessarily blunt, try to understand why and take responsibility if appropriate. Or, if you really haven’t done anything, then figure out what you can do to avoid that all together next time.

What do you really stand to gain from making those little comments to your partner or a colleague? Is it actually going to achieve the outcome you desire? That unfortunate answer is probably not. And if they do wash those dishes, or buy you those flowers, or stop narrating whilst they type - they probably won’t be doing it with a smile on their face. So if you want somebody to change, start with changing you - or at least your approach to the situation.

This doesn't mean changing your values or personality, simply just opening your mind to actually trying to solve the problem at hand, or avoid it, as opposed to trying to always be right.

An additional approach is to change your tone or delivery. Start by openly making light of the situation, I’m sure you can figure out what makes the other person tick and what doesn’t, so use it to your advantage, play the person not the game. If you know that one particular word will make steam come out of their ears then don’t use that word. By becoming a little gentler and less demanding, it may help you reach your outcome much easier. After all, isn’t that what you do when creating a successful marketing campaign?

Audience, message, delivery, acquisition.

This might not apply to everyone, as I said, it really depends on the person, hence the vagueness, however, this chapter is about giving you all the information possible to help you, and you can decide what you want to do with it, if anything at all.

Suddenly, you’ll never want to go back. Now this may sound like something you want to try, but just like with diets in the previous chapter, it won’t be easy unless you remember that it’s a process and a mental adjustment to get there.

You’ll need to muster up the strength to remind yourself, in the moment, to be strong. And in some instances, leaving certain things unsaid may be very resourceful, and avoid much hurt if it’s not necessary to the solution. Silence is often very powerful. And by not saying the expected, it will inevitably cause the unexpected, and a shift in the opposition's behaviours.

Kill them with kindness.

But remember, you’re not doing this to change them, you’re doing this to change your approach. It’s just a happy coincidence if they happen to break their habits somewhere along the way, but you mustn’t focus on them. Go get ‘em !

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